Sunday, January 16, 2011

"I. am. Job."

So if you're friends with me on facebook, or a roommate, member of my family or basically haven't been living in a cave for the last few days you probably already heard... I GOT A JOB!!!!!

This really has been an emotional roller coaster for me all week long and I am so excited it ended gloriously! I had two second interviews this week and was offered both positions. I'm so very grateful for both those opportunities and for the option I was given to decide which was a better fit for me, even though it was really hard to tell the first job offer I would be taking the other position instead. It would seem that Holly's life is looking up finally ladies and gentlemen!

There was a downside to this decision, as there is to most, there will no longer be any summer seasonal jobs to Alaska *SOBS* (seriously...I cried). I guess this is life's way of saying okay Holly it's time for a grown-up job. You see I won't be able to go to Alaska because I had to give my new job at least a one year commitment. In the interview, as I told them yes that I'd have no problem with that, I freaked out a little. What about my job in Alaska? Well I guess it's time to move on. Alaska will always have a huge chunk of my heart. And even though I will consider those to be for now and forever to be the best two summers of my life, I'm intrigued with what the future might hold. 

It's really weird for me to think that things are actually getting better, that I'm actually getting back on my feet again. That I'll be going back to school and finally finishing my degree and well just getting my life back.

It's even more weird to think that I'm going to be living somewhere for longer than a few months. The past year has seemed so nomad-like. I guess you could say, that I worry I will get bored with the daily routine of life and want to flee to another place. I've been bitten by the travel bug and sometimes it's hard to resist the urge to get out and leave. Sometimes I feel like I could live the life of the character Vianne, in the movie "Chocolat", played by the lovely Juliette Binoche. You know how she travels whenever the wind blows. I think I could do that. But my life isn't that exciting or romantic. Not to mention, I don't know secret chocolate-making recipes either and could never make it as a mysterious chocolatier ...alas I am a failure. Maybe I'll have to try this staying in one place thing for awhile.

p.s.--- If you can name what movie I am quoting in the title of this post, you'll win a prize! (Not really, I'll just think you're really cool.)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Without A Face

"If you just realized what I just realized...then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another..."

Now under any other circumstances these words and this song would just melt  my heart and you would always see me with a smile on my face, however this morning as the words blasted in my ear at 6:00 AM coming from my alarm...they did not sound so romantic. Although I must add it is a much better choice for alarm song than "Crazy Train" (You can just imagine my surprise every morning lol).

So anyways, I "willfully" got out of bed this morning at *coughs* 6:30 AM *coughs* (sue me, I snooze like the rest of America), and went straight for the restroom as do so many of us in the morning. As I finished my "bidness" I was washing my hands and was greeted by something face. Okay, that sounds really pessimistic, what I mean to say is, my ugly albino face. I freaked. I had no makeup on and I was supposed to go running this morning!!

Now, most of you are probably thinking...uh hello crazy lady looking in the mirror freaking out, you're going running, you don't need to put any makeup on. Now if you know me...and especially if you know my face, you know that uh yeah I DO!!! Now don't think I'm gonna get all "real" with the blogging world and post a pic of my makeup-less your dreams, rather your nightmares. Just believe me when I say, it's different and not for the light-hearted to experience without adult supervision.

So I put on some eyebrows and some mascara ( I have eyebrows just fyi...I mean I colored them in.), and I started to stretch and get ready for the "exciting" run that would befall me shortly. As I was stretching, I began to think about my face (haha okay that sounded weird), and how I always have to have makeup on before people can see me. I feel like the only person who truly understands my pain and embarrassment would be my big sister (sorry I just outed you everyone knows about your albino face too lol). See, it's not like we look horrible without makeup, we just look different. I just feel more comfortable in makeup and always have. I love to wear it, I love to study it, I love to put it on other people....I just love it!!! It's like the woman's adult version of coloring books but for your FACE!!!!! It's great! haha People may think I'm weird but that's just how I am.

There will be no revelation at the end of this post saying, "So I decided to go without makeup this week", or "I decided, who cares, I love my albino face and pale blond features"...nope there surely won't be. The truth is, I don't love my albino I love my bright blue eyes though?...yes! Do I love my not huge, but pretty big luscious red lips?...yes! Do I love that I have finally mastered the shape of my man brows and that even though sometimes it takes ten years to color them into perfection I simply have to do it and it's worth it?...YES!!! So see, don't feel bad for the girl who's imprisoned by her makeup. She'll be alright. Now, dealing with water and waterproof makeup...well that's another story for another day. Peace.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Back in the Game

I'm back in the game, well the blog posting game that is. It's been so very long since I've posted something on this ole thing. I feel like as I write this, old moths and dust are flying away from it (metaphorically of course) because it's been so long since it's been touched.

First let me catch anyone who actually happens to read this up on what's going on with my crazy/boring life. Probably most of you that do read it already know but oh well. So basically after my surgery I stayed home until the summer where I went to Alaska again for a second season of work, had a BLAST as usual, came home, traveled around from place to place looking for where to begin life again and stumbled back into Utah. This was definitely a hard choice for me. I know this is where I'm supposed to be, but it's still hard at times because I feel like I'm having to face failure. See, last time I was here, I failed a class (something that has never happened to me), left school, didn't take care of my health problems and basically had to be babied (I don't even know if that's a word) by my parents back into reality.

Coming back here would be facing my past and moving forward and I just wasn't sure if I was ready for that. Well Heavenly Father knew better. After much and I mean much obvious signs to move to Utah I got up the gumption to do it and everything fell into place and well here I am. Right now I am looking for a job and just pretty much waiting for the Fall to roll back around so I can go back to school. I'm planning on double majoring in Theatre (because I simply can't breathe without it) and Advertising.

Hopefully all goes well, but if I've learned anything over the course of this horrid year of 2010 it's that change comes whether you like it or not and you just have to accept it and move on. Everything happens for a reason. I'm just ever so happy that 2010 is over. I can't wait for 2011 to really start kicking it in gear! It's going to be CLASSY 2011!! I'm so excited! Anyways fingers crossed that one of the many job interviews that I had will work out and I'll get a job soon. Peace out for now. Word G Money!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Well the results are in!!!!

After a long four months of living at home (which was NOT that exciting at times I might add), I finally had the surgery/diagnosis I had been waiting for; the whole reason I came home for in the first place.

After a long fun-filled weekend of driving back and forth from T-town and the Valley I finally returned home yesterday morning. I had had no sleep, no food (after midnight of course) and was very cranky and not excited to have surgery, especially after having to drive 4 hours in total to make it to the hospital. But alas, I had to go.

Not many people know exactly what's been going on with me, only because when they ask why I'm home I hate saying "health reasons" because they get all up in my "bidness" and want to know exactly what is going on. So I've just been telling most people that I'm back to take a break from school and find out what exactly my next move is, which is partially true.

But after having many conversations with several young women close to my age, I made a promise that I would be up front and honest about my "issues" in hopes that it will inspire other young women to go to the doctor when they think something might be wrong...because something very well could be. Information is power, but only if you share it.

Most girls hate going to the gyno or as some like to call , the "lady doctor". I even know some girls who have never gone and are in their 20s. I'm not preaching that everyone should go to the doctor and dig for something wrong. But just listen to your body. You know your body the best and doctors were put on this earth to help you figure out the best game plan to making you feel like your normal self again.

So anyways I'm coming outta the "health closet" (I like to call it) and I'm passing the information on that I know about my health problems in hope to inspire other women to go to the doctor. So feel free to ask any questions you want. I want to be a proactive part of the health community.

I feel like whenever women start talking about "female topics", it's like a taboo subject or something. They wait to do it only around other women or in hushed voices when really people it's part of life! We were all created due to these "female topics" and I feel if women talked about it more, with more confidence then more young women would feel comfortable making those routine visits to the "lady doctor" and a lot of lives could be saved; a lot of health problems could be stopped in their tracks. Anyways I'll get off my soapbox now and get back to my story.

So after some blood tests, a urine test, and a "Golden Girls" crossword puzzle (which was completed very fast; a personal best I might add), they called my name and took me back to prep for surgery. My two nurses were "murses"! It was great! I honestly feel more comfortable around men so it helped a lot to have a male nurse to calm me down. So to all you nurses out there, especially male ones, I would like to say thank you!

I changed into my gown and got all situated on my bed and then came the part I was dreading....dun, dun dun!!!!! THE IV!!! AH!! I have never had surgery and have heard so many horror stories about how they can never find the vein and pretty much claw up your arm with the needle. Now a lot of people don't know this, but after having my nose ripped open by a dog when I was 13 and having had SEVERAL shots of numbing medicine stabbed into my face for stitches....I am NOT a fan of needles...go figure. But my "murse" Eric and his "mursing" student Adam were very nice and numbed the area right up before finding the vein the first time and getting that IV in lickety split (yes that is a real phrase; at least in my house).

Not only was it painless but because it was my first surgery "murse" Eric decided to give me a stuffed animal like they do the little kids who come in for surgery. And I don't know about you, but whenever it comes to me getting a stuffed animal, I turn into five-year old Holly. lol I was so excited!!! I picked out a cute Calico Kitty who is just adorable (they even let my mom pick out a stuffed animal...she always copies me, thankfully I got the last kitty). Then "murse" Eric asked me what the cat's name was and I told him, "Eric Adams...The Cat" and he then proceeded to give Eric Adams The Cat a hospital band with his name on it along with many colorful tabs attached to the band; so that nurses could know all the things Eric Adams The Cat is allergic to....which is a lot I might add. lol

After receiving my stuffed Kitty and finishing all the prep it was now the waiting game. I must admit that this is when happy, go-lucky Holly went out the window and in her place arrived freaked out Holly. You see I was having diagnostic laproscopic surgery to find out what was causing me so much pelvic pain. Most gynos had told me it is probably endometriosis because I already have polycystic ovarian syndrome and you are more likely to develop other problems when you have PCOS, such as endometriosis. Now not everyone probably knows what endometriosis is but it's when spider-like tissue mimics the lining of your endometrium and wraps around your organs causing pain and...infertility. Yep, infertility. Now as a woman who wants to have babies some day, I was utterly crushed. The day the doctor told me I probably had it was the loneliest moment of my life. So this surgery was a big deal.

After a couple years of dealing with emotional and physical pain I was going to find out if it was true or not (because you can only see the endometris tissue with a scope). I began to have very mixed feelings about the surgery. "What if I do have it? What if I can't have babies?" And on the flip side, "What if I don't have it? What else could it be? Will I have to keep going to different doctors and having different surgeries to find out what the heck's wrong with me?" As you can see I just didn't know how to feel and that was the most frustrating thing of all. I mean what do I hope for? There came a few times when I almost broke down, but I held it in because I hate crying in front of people.

My doctor came before surgery and told me about the procedure and judging by his voice (which is so calming by the way; he's the coolest and best doctor for me), he didn't' seem to believe it was endometriosis, which was good, but like I said that worried me too....if not that then what the heck was it?

So after a LONG wait for the anesthesiologist, I was off to surgery. I was out was great! I was ready to get this whole ordeal over with. I don't remember dreaming, but before I knew it, I was outta surgery and on my way to the recovery room. The nurses and "murses" told me later that I was really happy when I came out of surgery. I was very friendly and smiling. haha I guess I kept saying thank you to every single person who did any little thing for me. lol So apparently I am very thankful and full of gratitude while under the influence of drugs!

Next came the big moment. My doctor came up to me as I layed there in the recovery room to tell me what he found. He said, "Well we did find something...but you don't have endometriosis (please cue chorus of angelic voices singing Handel's "Hallelujah" verse!)." Apparently they found an adhesion on my intestine, on my left side (where most of my pain was), that was attached to my uteran wall. He disconnected it and hopefully all will be well and I will no longer have pain. The only weird this is, is that adhesions are usually left over scar tissue that build up and attach themselves to other organs after having surgery. I have never had surgery so the doctor seems to think it might have been a burst cyst or the fluid from one (being that it was near my ovaries) that traveled over and did not get flushed out and turned into an adhesion. I was like oh so that's was those stabbing pains could have been a couple of years ago. lol

Needless to say I was overjoyed with excitement!!! Then following that, I was overjoyed with nausea....lame. Thankfully I didn't throw up (I HATE doing that) and they were able to give me something to knock me out and when I woke up, the nausea was gone. I tell you these nurses and workers at the hospital were ALL so nice. Every single person was a sweetheart in scrubs! So I just want to say thank you to all the men and women at the Flagstaff Medical guys rock my hospital socks!

On a random side note the nurse told me that most red-heads and fair skinned people are more likely to get All I could think was, I have to deal with an albino face and nausea...this is so not fair. Which by the way I HATED the fact that I was meeting all these people with no make up on. I wanted to say, "Don't mind my face, it usually doesn't look like this!"

After getting outta the gown and back into my clothes my mom and I left the hospital and all I wanted to do was sleep! We almost had to deal with closed roads on the I-40 but thankfully it wasn't too congested and we were able to get home around 9:00pm. I then told my Dad the whole story in detail (a lot more detail on here; I always feel blessed that I can talk to my whole family about everything, and I mean everything), and then took some drugs, ate some chocolate pudding and went to bed. It was a long day but it was worth it. All my prayers were answered. Everything worked out better than I could have imagined. I mean no endometriosis but we figured out the problem too so no digging for a needle in a haystack!! I feel so blessed to have had such an experience. Anyways I could tell much more details of the day with a lot more irony than you could possibly imagine but I'm ready to go take some more pills and finally take a shower! YES!! "I get to take a shower, I get to take a shower!" (She's the Man; point for me). Much love!

Friday, December 4, 2009


This post isn't exciting or anything...I just thought if I titled it "WOOT WOOT!!!", people would think it's something exciting and read it. :) I'm pure genius I tell you...well only at night in my dreams. Between the hours of 6:30 am and 12:00pm I pretty much have a bad case of stupidity running through my head. But that's another story.

So I really don't have much to post about, but I thought I would waste time and not get ready for class and post something short and sweet and to the point. So here's the update...I'm moving back to AZ!!! YAY!!!

I loved Provo and BYU but I'm taking the semester off to figure some stuff out and possibly have surgery for some health issues. I'm way excited to finally de-stress and work on myself. This should be good and if not, I can always look on the bright side that I'm not going to school! Wowzers! This will be the first time in a long time that I'm not going to school...crazy...oh well no skin off my nose.

So I just thought I'd update everyone on the happenings of my uneventful life...the end.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Laundry Room Puddle

So today was weird but good I guess. I went to class like always and somehow miraculously passed my quiz even though I always "forget" to study and the day went on as normal.

That is until I came home and decided to do laundry...actually it wasn't a decision... I had to do laundry! I was all out of underwear (I had even worn the weird mesh ones I bought on a whim with Kera one time during High School) and I needed clean socks as well (I have been wearing two layers because I find this keeps me warm and then I don't have to risk wearing too many layers on top and arrive at class sweating like a pig... even though it's 40 degrees outside!). So I gather up all my laundry and start to divide it into loads and I am ready to go. I head over to the laundry room with a skip in my step because the prospect of clean clothes began to excite me (you can only endure dirty jeans for so long).

I load up the machines like always, pour the detergent into the wash, pick my cycle, pay, and head back to my apartment. After a sufficient amount of time had passed I returned to transfer my six loads over to the dryers. As I'm approaching the laundry room, I see a slightly attractive young man headed the same way as well ( I knew this because he had a laundry basket in his hand). I opened the door for him because his hands were full and we both entered and went on our merry way. I transferred the laundry over to the dryers on the east side of the facility. However I needed one more dryer for my last load so I turned the corner to use one of the west sided dryers (wow I make it sound like they're in a gang).

As I examine the "west-side" dryers I happen rather I unfortunately stepped right into a massive puddle on the first reaction was to scream. But I couldn't! That slightly attractive boy was on the other side of the room behind the wall! If he heard me then he'd know in a few seconds that I was just some crazy red-head and I would no longer be that "mysterious girl from the laundry room"....(a persona I gladly had accepted from the moment I opened the door for him). So what did I do? I stood in the puddle...visualizing the embarrassment soon to come my way. Fortunately "slightly attractive boy" (as we will continue to call him), finished loading up his clothes in the wash and left! A sigh of relief passed through me!

Now I needed to dry off my feet and sandals so I wouldn't "slosh" back to my apartment. I decided to head to the bathroom in the rec room, that was just adjacent to the laundry facilities. As I walked into the rec room I noticed something was different...the carpet was gone! (Nothing gets passed me)

I noticed an elderly couple sitting at the pool table eating lunch (no doubt the ones who ripped the carpet up... I'm sure of it!), I said hello and asked if I could use the bathroom and the man said yes. So in I went to the small single girl's restroom to clean off the "mystery" puddle I had stepped in earlier. After I had wiped down and convinced myself that it probably wasn't acid, pee, or any other gross liquid on my legs I reached for the handle. Just then I thought, "Well I can't leave now they'll think I didn't even use the bathroom or that I'm a fast "pee-er" but that I didn't flush. So I waited 60 more seconds (yes I counted) and I flushed the toilet. Then I had to wash my hands because if they didn't hear the faucet running after a flush they'd think that I don't wash my hands! Gross! So I washed my hands and dried them and then left the bathroom.

Why do we do stupid stuff like this? Like we assume there is a certain allotted time given to each gender on how long they should be in the bathroom and that they can only use it to relieve themselves. In all reality, I don't know about you but most of the time when I excuse myself to the restroom it's not because I have to pee. Usually I want to make sure my makeup hasn't for some strange reason, melted off my face and exposed the albino side of me! I also like to go into the restroom to adjust my clothes...*cough* BRA *cough*....yeah I said it! NO ONE wants to see you doing that in public! Life is just weird. Okay I'm done with this restroom tangent...onto the rest of the story.

After my bathroom excursion I went back to my apartment and started cleaning the kitchen (I was in one of those moods...I figured if my underwear was gonna be clean then my bowls and spoons might as well be too). After starting a load in the dishwasher and stacking the plates I returned to the laundry room to retrieve my clothes from the dryer.

As I turned the corner to head over to the "west-side" dryer to get my freshly dried towels and sheets, I noticed "slightly attractive boy" was there. He was adding more money to his laundry card at the machine (I don't know the name of the machine, but it's not relevant). He looked up and recognized me (as that "mysterious girl from the laundry room" I'm sure!). He smiled and said hi and turned around to get clothes out of the dryers himself. As he did this, ironically, "slightly attractive boy" stepped right into the puddle! LOL (Even though it's funny I still can't believe no one had cleaned it up yet!)

What makes this moment even better, is that he realized it in a split second what had happened as soon as the "solution" had touched his leg. But he thought that I didn't noticed so he too tried to play it off like nothing had happened and started to stare out the if lost in thought about dryer sheets or something. :) hahaha lol!!! It was awesome!!! I left and concluded that life is crazy and funny sometimes. The end.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Food for Thought

So today was an interesting day...actually it really wasn't but I figure this would capture your attention.

So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking (what's new right?) and I discovered that the reason why I loved the performing arts and that whole "sha-bang" if you will, is because it allowed me my cathartic release of emotion.

If anyone knows me they know that I tend to hold everything in and build all my emotions up into this really small bottle and then someone will do or say the wrong thing and I'll just explode with this horrific, dramatic melt down of tears, spit and yelling all rolled into one...not a pretty picture.

When I watch movies, plays or perform on stage, I envelope myself in the character that I'm playing or the character that I can relate to the most and I get lost in the dynamics of that person or feeling. When the character has their cathartic release of emotion and their arc comes full circle, the story resolves... then I think problem that I'm experiencing at the moment feels as if it has resolved right along with the character. Even though the problem hasn't fixed itself, the purge of emotion I feel with the player has helped release some of the tension in that emotional bottle I hold inside.

Thinking about this has made me realize that this is not a bad thing but I think it's time that I naturally purge my emotions rather than live through the stories of others.

As like any girl I watch those "chick flicks" and relive a fairy tale/love story over and over again every time I watch. And when I view the "action" films I release my rage and anger. Why do we do this in society? Or maybe it's just then why do I do this? I think it's my way of coping with change, anger, sadness, love, happiness...etc. This is why I love movies. I had thought that the reason why I'm a big movie buff, is simply because I just enjoy watching them. Don't get me wrong, I do but another part of it is that I love them because I use them as tools to learn more about myself. Weird I know, but theatre and acting in general is a reflection of real life. That's why the entertainment industry will never go bankrupt because life will never go bankrupt.

I promise I'm not always this analytical and deep in thought. These were just some feelings I approached today after watching yet another movie. :) Anyways moral of the story (because the performer in me is telling me this post needs to have a resolution), I think that movies and the arts have been a blessing in my life, as a kind of training wheel(s) to help me learn more about myself. Since I will no longer be studying this area for a degree I hope that I will be able to take the training wheels off, even just for a bit and learn more about myself.

I will always love movies. I will always love the performing arts. I will always use them for my own cathartic release...but perhaps now I can discover new outlets for this bottle of emotion...perhaps this blog :) Anyways just some food for thought.